Parenting as a Shepherding

Editor’s Note: The following article appears in the Spring 2025 issue of Eikon.

I was riding through the Romanian countryside when my host pointed to a large flock of sheep. At the head of the flock was a shepherd who was driving several goats. Behind followed the flock of sheep. My host observed, “The shepherds are driving the goats and the sheep are following. You cannot drive sheep,” my host observed, “you must lead them. If you try to drive sheep, they will scatter.” Parents must lead their children like wise shepherds. Shepherding a child’s heart means guiding and nurturing a child’s emotional, spiritual, and moral development with care and compassion. Shepherding is attentive and loving, providing direction, encouragement, and discipline while fostering a deep, trusting relationship. Parents must nurture their children rather than merely managing behavior. Here are some key elements of shepherding.

Understand the Heart

We tend to think of the heart as the seat of emotions. Phrases such as “have a heart” describe tenderness and understanding. But the Bible does not use the heart to describe emotions. In Scripture, the heart describes the central core of our being. The heart is the command center – the wellspring of life. In the words of Proverbs 4:23, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flows the springs of life.” All behavior is heart-driven. Our problem, and our children’s problem, is not just the ways we sin, but the sin that lies under the sin. It is the pride, compulsive self-centeredness, love of self, the envy and assorted sinful attitudes of heart that motivate behavior. 

It is easy for parents to focus on behavior and miss the heart. If my focus is controlling and constraining behavior, I will tend toward behaviorism — managing my child’s behavior by incentivizing behaviors I want, and disincentivizing those I do not want. In behaviorism, the concern is not necessarily the needs of my child; it is producing the outcomes I desire as a parent. 

Jesus reminds us that activities such as coveting, deceit, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly flow from the heart (see Mark 7:22–23). Focusing on these behaviors without reference to the heart is like trying to solve the problem of weeds in the lawn with a lawn mower. The weeds cannot be eradicated without dealing with the roots beneath the soil.

Help your children identify the heart attitudes that lie under the ways they sin. Consider love of self rather than love for others, or pride rather than humility, or rebellion rather than submission, getting revenge rather than entrusting oneself to God, or fear of man rather than fear of God. This is only a suggestive list of possible attitudes of heart. Of course, understanding the attitudes of heart that lie beneath your own besetting sins will facilitate asking good questions to help your children understand their hearts. Engage in conversations that help your children uncover the heart issues that motivate behavior. 

Communication

Helping children understand the motives of the heart requires conversation. Your insight into the ways your heart strays from loving God and others provides insight needed to ask good questions of your children. Questions such as, “Help me understand… what you were feeling… what you were hoping to achieve… what did you want… what idol of the heart were you serving…” will help your children understand their motivations. Shepherding your children instills habits of self-reflection and awareness about motivation.

These conversations necessitate strong relationships based on trust and open communication. Listen both to what is being said and to what is not being said. Cultivate listening without immediate judgment. Encourage your children to express their thoughts. Delight in understanding, not just airing your own opinion (Prov 18:2). The stronger the relationship, the more willing your children will be to take you into their confidence.  

Model the attitudes of heart and the behaviors that you wish to instill. Be an example of the humility, grace, and hope of the gospel. Acknowledge your failures and seek forgiveness when you have sinned against your child. This can be a more powerful example of Christian vitality than if you had gotten it right to begin with. 

Gospel-Centered

The gospel is central to all we do as shepherds of our children. We want them to understand how profoundly we all need the forgiveness, grace, and enablement of the gospel. Help them identify the ways they stray like lost sheep and how profoundly they need forgiveness and internal transformation. Immerse their thinking in the truth that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ (Rom 8:1). Use parables like the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15) to show Jesus as a willing, powerful Savior who forgives repenting people. Help them see Jesus as the one through whom we can do all things (Phil 4:13). Remind them that all our temptations are common to mankind. God always provides a way out so that we may stand in the face of temptation (1 Cor 10:13). Our great high priest can sympathize with our weakness even as he provides grace and mercy for every time of need (Heb 4:14–16).

Addressing the heart, and not just behavior, opens the way for the gospel. If your goal is just behavior management, the gospel will not be the core of your interaction in correction or discipline. Instead, you will gravitate to incentives and disincentives to encourage behavioral outcomes. But if your goal is understanding the heart, the gospel is the only hope. Bring your children the hope of the gospel. Show them where to find the grace of forgiveness and empowerment that is found in Christ. If you are shepherding their hearts, the gospel is not just tangential — it is your only hope. Every opportunity to correct and discipline is an opportunity to bring the hope of the gospel. 

Discipline

I have often been asked, “What about discipline? Surely we cannot just talk to children when they do wrong.” The fact that we are shepherding hearts does not mean we don’t discipline. It simply tells us how to discipline. The Scriptures remind us that discipline is an expression of love. It is what a father (or mother) does for his children because he loves them (Heb 12:5–11). There is a clear place for consequences. It is appropriate for parents to exercise the “sowing and reaping” principle of Scripture (Gal 6:4). Sometimes parents must shape consequences for wrong behavior. Even in those times the goal is not to punish, but to illustrate the truth that God has built consequences into his world. The goal of discipline is to disciple our children.

One of the most humbling aspects of parenting is the realization that you cannot save your children. God must do something in them that you are powerless to do. Your powerlessness as you seek to fulfill your calling to shepherd your children casts you on the power of the great shepherd of the sheep. He has modeled, in his love and sacrifice for you, your role as you shepherd the hearts of your children. “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus… that you might shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the words of life” (see Phil 2:5–16).